Other Aliens Like Me!
For years l lived a lie, l followed the path of pretence for convention sake. I desperately tried to fit into the society that l felt so very alienated from. Every day l tended to look at myself from the outside rather than behind my own eyes looking out. I could never understand why l felt different to my peers. Why did l think differently so much of the time? Truth be known and more importantly, was l thinking differently in the first place? Or was l merely approaching most questions from a different angle?
From an early age l learned to don and wear facial emotion masks, l used to practice in front of the mirror my facial expressions, l used to people watch and mimic them, to be more like them. I tried so hard to NOT be me. Most of the time l succeeded, l was just as l was growing up and more so especially during my teenage years the shy geek, the absent minded nerd, the book worm, the retired and reticent fella, that had some very strange behaviour and who it always appeared to be, tried too hard to fit in.
I had friends, nerds, geeks and boffins alike, we made for a clan almost of freaks. We did strange things; we hardly spoke to girls because we usually stuttered too much or simply didn’t bother! We table top war gamed, we painted Airfix models, we stuck together, we read a lot, and the list of ‘strange hobbies and activities’ continued.
We were outcasts before the term of ostracisation was even a thing we had heard of. We stuck together, it was safer and yet so terribly deadly at the same time. Deadly because the bullies spotted us a mile off – we stood out like sore thumbs even when we thought we were conforming to the uniform of society – we tried too hard and those that do that stick out more as aliens!
Leaving school, and joining the workforce, l was known as quirky, and odd and almost robotic. I loved work, more so than most other employees and employers alike, l had found a friend that l could learn from, absorb, play with in my spare time, my full time, my part time, in fact l could play all day at this work thing and enjoy it immensely and l got paid!!!?
How utterly awesome!
I perfected what l did, l repeated my work over and over again until repeated became repetition, and repetition became ambition and ambition in turn became progression and enthusiastic progression combined with ambition suddenly saw me even more as an outsider and suddenly l became a brown noser!!?
I could do no right whatsoever at trying to fit in to conventional thinking, of conforming to the so called norm? What the fuck is this bloody norm anyway? Who defines it? Who has the bloody right to say this is normal and that is not?
But of course to question the norm, and who judges what it is in comparison to what it is not, is again suddenly deemed as inappropriate and against society thinking?
So no winning at all, we all have to pretend to be sheep, and maybe even cloned sheep, not ask questions, and act normal – read that back to yourselves – how does that behaviour actually read as fucking normal to begin with?
Up until l was around 45, or if you want me to really label the time frame, up until my diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome, l burned out constantly pretending to live the so called normal life, l wasn’t ever truly really me, l was someone else.
When courting, my so called quirky behaviour was seen as fun loving, innocent and yet when married, l was told to stop acting like an twit and act more grown up, “Start acting normal!!” she demanded of me.
“But l am acting ‘’’normal’’’ this is who l am, this is actually me.”
But me, or even actually me, wasn’t good enough, it wasn’t normal, it wasn’t conventional, it didn’t conform to some invisible normalcy template, that society apparently has on show somewhere to encourage other aliens like me to read and understand and what is expected of us.
However following my diagnosis, l woke up ……….
I sat upright in bed one morning and thought “FUCK YOU society! Fuck you!! Who do you think you are telling me who l am supposed to be??”
So l started to live my life my way, quirks, foibles, strange behaviour, stims and everything else supposedly oddish came out to play and they stayed.
We, l, you are not here to please everyone else, we can’t please everyone all the time, we have to concentrate upon who we are, and not drop into the bottomless pit of so called defined normalcy laid out by a society that is so utterly scared of not fitting into this fantasy filled and imagined form of template structuring, that they wouldn’t know how to be anything else if they really tried!
People say we want to be different, we want to be unique – wake up – you already are different – but only if you realise that you are already different to the next person. You are the only ones stopping your youniqueness from surfacing – yes you, stop being afraid of yourself, you can only be you, no one else can be you – well maybe clones, but we don’t want to be clones, or robots or doubles, we don’t need to pretend to be something we are not.
These designs were created because of this bullshit that society makes or tries to make us think that we are not good enough to be who we are. Society wants us to be the same, and yet ‘OH’ the outcry about cloning, and about not being true to you, how utterly hypocritical, but that is society.
Well you are not society, you are you and don’t forget it, and by the way if you want an actual ‘OH’ moment – take this …
“No one is normal, because there is no such bloody thing as normal!”
“Oh, there is always one alright then smarty pants … define it!”
Rory Matier – The Tee Shirt Blogger
Ps: These posts are my views on my autism/Asperger’s, they may not be everyone else’s who is on the spectrum.