… Chance of seeing me in shorts outside the house in the public domain!!
For as long as l can remember with regards my adult life – and l place emphasis on my adult years overriding those of my younger years – l have no wittingly recollection of actually wearing ‘shorts’ external to any of my residences!
As a kid, l was never out of the damn things, even when not wearing them, l was never without them, they were like a Linus Blanket – l loved shorts more than l preferred ‘Longs’ They were the comfiest item in my wardrobe, next to really old tee shirts – as in worn, mangled, holey, threadbare, torn, ruffled or to the layman – lived in!
Point of fact l actually hated wearing clothing of any sort, and to achieve 100% satisfaction, l would wear what was fast becoming seen as unruly and untidy attire in the eyes of my parents. My Mother was always continually nagging at me to tidy up, to wear something, to wear anything, but to not just continually think it was perfectly acceptable to wear nothing!
Ideal day clothing would have been in Australia or Malaysia ‘thongs’ and a scruffy tee shirt and of course shorts, big, loose and baggy! I couldn’t stand socks back then, and in truth have very little time for them now and yet having said that prefer to have socks on my feet in comparison to standing on some strange surfaces barefoot. Even now, l am wearing socks, but it is winter and barefoot would be too cold!
Shoes were downright awful restrictions to my feet, hence why l wore ‘thongs’ which to the unlearned is not some fancy form of G or C string but the footwear terminology for Ozzies – Europeans understand it more if l express the words ‘sandals or flip flops’, although why the latter should even be classed is quite beyond me. I mean seriously folks, what the fuck is a flip flop?? Sounds like a bloody horse, clip clop!
In Malaysia when l was 5 l attended school and there wore a summer styled school uniform which consisted of short sleeved shirt, shorts and clopsy shoes as l called them! [All footwear heavier than a thong in my eyes were clopsy’s!] Basically bloody uncomfortable!
I know l caused distress to both my parents – my Father more so because of his disciplinarian upbringing combined with the fact that he was military or rather l should say air force! So l had to have a look that lived up to that regimental expectation – short hair and above everything TIDY! He was thankful for my school uniform which encouraged the smart style to me! But l hated it and at every opportunity l would strip down to nothing if not just very little and in Malaysia especially just go out and meet with the locals from the Kampung where we would go butterfly hunting! My typical dress code with them was a singlet, baggy shorts and thongs! What more was needed?
But we all have to grow up don’t we?
By the time l was just starting to turn 11 years of age, my parents started to take a more active role in my dressing up. It was fast becoming a combative zone, with conflicts almost daily on what l should wear and what they could get me to wear!! Two very different issues l can assure you” Where l could l battled them every step of the way, and many a time it ended in howling if not high octane yelling from all parties.
Their insistence of me becoming more conventional was a long strung out affair that lasted for a good many years and rather reluctantly especially with yet again ‘schooling’ l had to cut them some slack – and so the days of wearing shorts were fast becoming an item of clothing from my past and they were replaced with ‘longs’, bloody trousers that l hated, no detested, no fucking loathed at best of times! I simply could not/cannot stand to have too much material on me, around me, enveloping me.
I love skin on skin sensation, sure yes it’s a tad naughty to admit to but for goodness sake we are all bloody adults, and that is one fabric for want of a better word l am more than willing to wear, but other fabrics and l have a very hard time forming a sound relationship never mind trying to successfully marry us off.
Given the choice l would walk around naked each and every day, irrelevant to getting older, l am not nor have l ever been ashamed of my body and whilst l am not some kind of nudist, [although it really does appeal] it is only the fact that l am so terribly clumsy that l think l have to at my age double take on whether l should or l shouldn’t have any dangly bits whilst attending the various household chores l have to perform, plus at times the weather can be a tad cold on the ol’ brass monkeys!
Ironing in the NUD may not be as grand an idea now as it used to be, for more than just the weather or the clumsiness, but l seem to be permanently horny these days naturally [not chemically induced] which as you can imagine leads to its own set of problems!!! However that l feel is for another episode and not this one!
But l must be sadly realistic and apart from everything else listed l must also uphold the moralistic issues of decency seeing as l live in suburbia and not own my island in the middle of nowhere and so l daren’t risk upsetting the elderly neighbours!
My partner now must put up with my scruffiness … but l have digressed! My years of being able to wear shorts freely, soon disappeared come the arrival of my teens, and just as my parents were starting to breathe a sigh of relief – l was then thrown into the quagmire of teenage fashion which was something l detested more than not wearing shorts – l was horribly untidy still, and both loved and desired a total grunge look and was not in the slightest au faut with the society acceptable fashion conscious guru l was to become in less than 10 years from those very years!
However somewhere along the way and although all sorts of things happened to me one of the most crippling was the inability to wear shorts outside where l live!? It is most astonishing as a trait to see vanish l have to concede to admittedly! Considering how comfy the wearing of them is around the house and when in the garden l still prefer them with my all-time favourite Wellington boots as the photo clearly displays!
Steady yourselves – l know absolutely dashing eh, what, what, biffo!
This look is my absolute favourite and although it is reserved for gardening only – it is incredibly comfortable – baggy shorts, wellingtons [no socks], tee shirt and an old loose zip up cardy and l am ready to rumble!
However if l was dog walking time and a hot day as much as l would love to wear the same attire outside – l can’t, l simply freeze up and begin to quake and tremble – l am unable to go outside into the real world with just shorts on my legs!!? I think that people will look at my sparrow legs and laugh out loud at not just how white they are, but how odd looking they are to boot! [Play on words there]
I know damn full well, that no one is specifically eyeballing my pins and still l cannot gather the courage to go outside without first putting on long legs! It has been like this for nearly twenty years now. It might be a scorcher outside and l will YES feel like l am melting, but no way can l simply just go outside to where people are and walk amongst them without first donning trousers or cargoes!
Tis both strange and worrying indeed – l can wear tee shirts still, but not shorts or, actually l cannot even wear thongs now or flip flops or sandals in fact as much as l detest shoes of any type and socks, l cannot go outside not wearing some kind of protective footwear on my feet!
Equally, if l am walking through mud, l MUST only be wearing wellingtons and not my walking boots … the list of what l can do these days is now in conflict with the cannot do list!
So tell me, hand on heart and honestly, do you too have a list of things that you simply cannot do now in comparison to the list of what you once could do when younger or do l standalone here?
Rory Matier – The Tee Shirt Blogger
Ps: These posts are my views on my autism/Asperger’s, they may not be everyone else’s who is on the spectrum.