Hidden, But Not Invisible is one of my best sellers. Despite many saying to me that to say l am an Aspergian is wrong and l am ‘actually autistic’, l have to say this – l am actually autistic because of my Aspergers’ Syndrome. I am not actually autistic because l sell yellow rubber ducks on the street corner and this is not poking fun at actually autistic in the slightest, more just that l am not just one without the other. Tony Attwood himself always said that Aspergers’ Syndrome would never disappear.
Of all my ‘autism’ related designs, it is predominately those that are specifically Aspergian orientated that perform the best. This is an observation from the last 13 months of trading.
I sent a friend of mine this letter entitled Aspergically Yours as a heads’ up to the verification of Hidden, But Not invisible – so that he may have understood more of Aspergers. I feel the poets amongst you will see the living example of this design in motion, some of you may miss it however. He missed it completely.
My Dear Friend,
I have come to realise that you have been attempting to contact me, and are concerned at my lack of presence within the usual haunts. Don’t panic, sadly this lack of interaction comes with my territory, and Aspergically l am just off on one of my complexity jaunts! Looking into this thing you lot refer to as ‘sociality’, this is always a bit of a mind boggle for me, as you know, and this is why l am simply not available to you so freely, for the research into this abnormality must be thorough.
It is not that l don’t try to understand you, seriously l am not lying its true, but there are just so many things l don’t fully get, filling me with some confusion and regret. You see, it’s hard for me to regulate, emotions and l cannot demonstrate, properly how it is l truly feel, it’s either nothing, not enough or with way too much zeal! I am happy, yet not and always in search, of the answers l seek to find solace in the purge, can be bored and not bored in the same breath, and not lonely, but so lonely, no doubt with me till death. Content l can be on my own, yet miserable too because at times l am alone, hard to explain this to you, you see, it’s just not easy being comfortable as me … don’t like to grumble and complain aloud, being Aspergic and apparently l am endowed, higher intelligence and all things logical, gifted to me from birth, quite comical!
Yet l can laugh, and not enjoy the fullest of mirth!
Because of this supposedly blessed dearth, disorderly yet highly functioning is strange, for there is no denying the mental strain, it places upon ones logical frame, configuring the pathway and not passing blame, for technically there is none to award, upon accidental and potential genetical fraud, sadly just one of those things, l am just the resulting offspring. But you asked how you could help me, and l am trying to answer you see, friendship is something l so desperately seek, yet know not how to simply keep, if they are not there, within my sight, just don’t worry do l, it’s all right, for l simply move on, as if they never were …
… Which is probably not the best answer, but truth is all that is being told, which is why it’s hard for me to hold, control upon the social intentions of some, too much hard work, and very little fun. Many see me as selfish, or within my own stance, because they don’t get to know me, and trust one glance, it’s not just me that is in the wrong, just l don’t sit easily within the throng, never quite sure how it is l should react, and not one of my talents is the ability to interact!
Perhaps it is easier for me to simply say, offer me patience and understanding anyway, l am not that bad and that‘s a fact, after all it is only misinterpretation suggesting l lack tact, just be you, and try not to become frustrated, when l am good, your efforts are never wasted ‘tis similar to being stuck within a continuous dream, not knowing if one fits into the overall scheme, chronologically we look as old as we are supposed to, then confusion settles in and everything goes askew! Mentally and emotionally we start to fall apart, struggling to understand and even where to start! Others looking in or from afar, stressed to the hilt with our antics, thinking we are bizarre, failing to comprehend our very own concerns, simply lost are we, knowing there is no return, relationships turning from joyousness to disaster, unable to remedy simply with a plaster!
Higher in the intellect and intelligence capacity, than most credit us with due to their stupidity! Lack of understanding from those not in the know, attaching a stigma to us and placing us up on the plateau, of ’best left alone’ and ’leaving them to it’ making us angry, having to put up with the shit! Holding many faces within one personality is not a catwalk life for our complex mentality, childishly earthbound we are forever and a day, liking it or not, sadly we have no say! Predetermined like this from before our birth is like God sharing some humourless mirth! Like you in so many ways, yet never the same, constantly lost within the burning flames, of the darkness that riddles our minds, genetically created from before our starting time, blind complexity that never allows us an inner peace, and continually to get worse and to never cease!
Socially and emotionally delayed in our maturity, is a testing time for us all continually, not always easy being mentally aged ten, once was enough, but over and over again!!? Can be such a seriously stressing strain, upon out complex filled brain! if it was not so damningly serious, l would laugh out loud deliriously, all day long and every day for the rest of my life, problem is that it is a life filled with strife! Constantly wandering amongst fragments, of ago, lost in solitude, making so sense! Tormented by myself in the continued search, for answers as to the, what’s and why of this dreaded scourge!
Sure, there are times when l feel gifted, but of late, this is replaced with the title of misfit! Never quite fitting into the scheme of things, and always lost in complexity of misgiving!
I hope this finds you well as usual, and now you will understand, why l am not there, but l simply must puzzle out this doodle, and hope that my answer did so share, the mind shattering confusions l am under of late, but please panic not, l will of course return, so you need not become upset and irate, l just need to understand more in order to learn!
Rory Matier – The Tee Shirt Blogger
Ps: These posts are my views on my autism/Asperger’s, they may not be everyone else’s who is on the spectrum.